The Season of Gratitude

Posted on November 22, 2011 by admin

Gratitude is a funny thing, isn’t it? When you are in the midst of a crisis or have suffered some loss, when the pain begins to diminish, you can feel gratitude as if it is your breath. Then, a little time passes and gratitude switches from being a heartfelt sensation and becomes an intellectual experience. I know this phenomena well as this Thanksgiving, I celebrate three years since my last surgery for breast cancer. In the early days of that journey, I could not fathom ever taking for granted anything about my life ever again, especially all the many blessings which personify it. Yet, just this past week, I was suffering a deep longing for what was my life. I railed that one stupid disease had so profoundly altered my life. I was stunned to realize that I was still trying, these three years later, to create my new life.
Disease, divorce, loss of jobs, all of these things changes our lives forever. They are not simple events that happen to us at one time or another in our lives. They are things that permanently alter just about everything that has been our life. From the place of their assault, we must first get back on our feet (choose and complete treatments, get through divorce proceedings, adjust to job hunting) and then figure out how to walk again in a world that is as foreign to us as if we landed in another country against our will. It is a harrowing journey, to say the least.
How can it be three years and I still struggle to live my new life? Must that be the case or are some of us just less able to take the life issues with the proverbial grain of salt? I don’t know, but I do know that there is something to celebrate as I find myself navigating the new landscape of my life: the knowledge that I had a choice, that I chose to move into a new land where health was the foundational choice by which all other decisions paled. The trick now, and for all the days I inhabit this new land, is to remember that gratitude is a noun, but to be grateful is a verb. I must choose gratitude, just as I chose health. I must have the courage to face the losses and let them go. Ah, there’s the rub: letting go to what? To more unknowns, to more things that go bump in the night. Sometimes, it feels simply feels safer to live with pain we know than risk a pain we’ve yet to meet.
Some folks say, “let go and let god.” I don’t always know how to do that and suspect the same may be true for you. I am a “doer”, one who makes things happen. I don’t think I’ve ever acted passively in my entire life which is what letting go feels like to me. Most of all, letting go means I don’t have any control which brings me back to the same feeling I had when I heard I had breast cancer. It is a circle.
So, in this season where we are focused on thankfulness, I choose to make list after list of all the things that I am blessed to have in my life each day: love of family and friends, a roof over my head, cars to drive, clothes to wear, good food to eat, and HEALTH! Most of all, I am grateful I can think and feel , even when doing so often either makes my head or heart hurt.
Making lists has served many times to make my heart less heavy. May we all write away our losses and in so doing, see the beauty of the picture the lists reflect of our new lives. Then, armed with those lists, we can continue to walk in our new lives, with the eyes of a child who always revels in the potential of what something “new” can mean.
I am grateful for each of you who have found my blog .I wish you great health and the courage to choose living, regardless of where that happens to be.
Happy Thanksgiving!

Posted in Life Coaching | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Staying Motivated

Posted on July 17, 2011 by admin

Have you noticed that during the summer months human beings tend to let go of the discipline that rules most of the other three seasons? Even as we anticipate summer approaching, we begin to plan our long awaited vacations, or at least our chance for longer days, more cookouts, time with friends, celebrations of holidays, etc. Well, just thinking about summer and following spring surgery, I found discipline totally lacking. I didn’t write in this blog for the past two months. I kept thinking I would, but I was tired of writing and wondering if anyone was reading it. Where I live, the winter seemed to continue well into what should have been spring and I slowly lost all motivation. Thinking back on it now, I just kept meaning to sit down and write, or clean out the closets, put away the winter clothes, you name it. You know the tasks that you just accept doing all year, but which suddenly you just don’t plan for any more.
It caused me to think a lot about the “why’s” of what motivates human beings. Have you wondered the same thing? I suspect you have, as many times as have I. When fear is absent, no threat on the horizon, we are often lulled into a kind of inertia. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to have to feel afraid to have the discipline to keep moving on projects or things I want to accomplish.
So, what to do? Well, these suggestions are not cure all ideas, but they may help.
1. When feeling unmotivated, take a look at what your expectations are. If you don’t have any, it may be wise to make yourself set up a few.
2. Talk to someone with whom you feel safe about how you just can’t seem to get going. Often, talking out loud (versus to ourselves) helps us see more clearly what may be going on with our feelings.
3. Accept that for right now, you are doing what you need to do. Sooner or later, as I am doing as I write this, your mind will clear and you will begin again to make some decisions.
4. Take one new action a day after you have realized how much time has passed that you have not been very motivated. It doesn’t matter whether the action is large or small. It matters that you do something!
5. Know that motivation is a lifelong lesson and perhaps what helps us grow, both when it happens and when it does not. The point of life is to live it, all of it, not just the parts we like.
I’m glad to have found my way back to my blog. I hope you find your way back to something you feel Happy Summer!

Posted in Life Coaching | 2 Comments

Staying Motivated

Posted on July 17, 2011 by admin
Posted in Life Coaching | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

Spring and New Beginnings

Posted on April 11, 2011 by admin

In the Midwest, where I live, we suffered an eternal winter. Our first snow came in late October and while there is a possibility of snow this very week, for the most part, spring has arrived. We can actually see green everywhere, in our lawns where only scant bits of snow remain, in our planters, in places all around our community. I must say I have marveled more at the ability of things to grow and blossom this year because the ground has been frozen and covered in such a deep layer of snow for so many months. I had forgotten what lay dormant under all that seemed to be frozen forever.

As I was enjoying the promise of the green plants that will ultimately flower soon, I was reminded of the miracle of resiliency. Just when we think we cannot grow through any problem that we might be facing, we read a quote in a book or hear a song that suddenly triggers hope within us. We are able to move into action, shedding the weight of what we’ve carried and trying again to find our way to resolution of whatever was troubling us. Where does resiliency come from? Can we do anything to suffer less, knowing that the winter of our pain will end and new beginnings will come again?

One thing that helps during the times when everything is bleak and barren is to surround ourselves with visual images of spring. The brain stores memory through our visual images. In fact, if you want to create a memory or memorize something, visualize it in as much detail, in color, as you can. This works for studying, for holding onto a precious experience, for anything really. Just close your eyes for a moment and bring forth a favorite memory of a happier time. You will feel the flood of chemicals that are released and your mood will instantly change.

What we forget too often in the times of our emotional crises is the power of using our minds to remember spring.  Think about how much you enjoy movies. It is a combination of many factors that hold your attention: music, actors, the dialogue, etc. Most of all, however, it is the visual experience, all staged, that hold it all together. It is the lighting, the views, the perspective that makes all other parts come alive. Your own brain is a treasure chest of movies. Replay them and watch how you feel.

So, when you are stuck in seeing only the bleak landscape of winter, retrieve a memory of spring. Watch a movie that you have associated with hope and inspiration and you will find your mood lifted and your possibilities opening. Underneath what is overwhelming is a resilient mind that will always find again, spring and new beginnings.

Posted in Body-Mind, Change, Health, Life Coaching | 1 Comment

For Japan

Posted on March 18, 2011 by admin

For Japan:

I’d ask anyone reading this blog to pause and do a couple of things as we all struggle with the tragedy in Japan:  Take a deep breath when all the horrific images and news reports find their way into your consciousness. Breath is life and you are blessed to have it.

  •  When you have slower breathing, take a moment to send either a prayer, a good wish, whatever you believe works, to the thousands of people who are in such acute suffering.
  •  Tell those you love them how important they are to you. Don’t wait and don’t think you must find the right words. Hugs, a touch, a smile speak volumes.
  •  Contribute to those organizations that you trust who provide relief efforts. Money isn’t the only answer, but it is certainly more than half of it.
  •  Teach your children to care what happens, not only in their small and often narrow worlds, but in our entire world. We really are all connected to one another in our humanness.

We must care for one another and our planet if we are to survive and ensure a future for all the children of the earth.

Just do it now. It matters.

Posted in Life Coaching | Leave a comment

A different kind of valentine

Posted on February 21, 2011 by admin

I resisted the idea of posting to my blog around Valentine’s Day. It just seems as if everyone tries to have something to say about this holiday, whether it be funny, profane or profound. I didn’t want to get in that often clichéd dialogue. However, it did get me thinking about love, to be sure. What it also did, however, was remind me of the enormity of meanings that word has for everyone. I was struck by the idea that if love could have one single meaning that all peoples of all cultures in the world could agree on then perhaps there would be hope that the world could know peace. I think a lot about that because as with all things, “peace” is an individual decision, an inside job, if you will. Perhaps, so is love.

Carolyn Myss, a medical intuitive of some reputation made the comment that she’d give anything for just 30 seconds of peaceful thoughts toward all beings by each person who inhabits the planet. Can you imagine the impact of that? It boggles my mind. I hope it both boggles your mind as well as opens a part of it toward possibility.

Love and peace are words we especially focus on at specific holidays, but don’t seem to do a very good job of living on any one day. Why is that? What makes us so quick to judge others, to condemn them as wrong simply because they see and inhabit the world differently than we do? Scholars and others spend hours on this subject, I know, but perhaps if we took the time in this month where love is celebrated, to give that valentine to the world, who knows what might happen?

When I am faced with dealing with a person who either annoys or worse, hurts me or someone I love, I do my best to recite the following Buddhist lovingkindness (Metta) meditation:

May you be at peace.

May your heart remain open.

May you awaken to the light of your own true nature.

May you be healed.

May you be a source of healing for all beings.

Sometimes I have to say the meditation through gritted teeth, but it allows me to shift back into a place of love, of peace. In the Buddhist tradition, one does this meditation using “I” for the first round, then in a second round for someone you love and lastly, for someone who you are holding in a negative place in your heart and mind. Regardless of whether you do the three rounds or just one, you will experience a calming impact. You will feel more loving and more at peace.

Let us remember that love and peace are concepts that go hand in hand. Together, we can be, as Mahatma Ghandi states, the change we want to see in the world.

Namaste.

Posted in Advocacy, Body-Mind, Change, Life Coaching | Tagged , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

How are those New Year’s resolutions coming?

Posted on January 25, 2011 by admin

How are those New Year’s resolutions coming?

Well, we’ve had almost a month now to take action on our New Year’s resolutions. You remember those, don’t you? The promises you made to yourself as you went through the holidays and planned for that great New Year’s Eve party. We all do make them, I think, even if only secretly. It is our nature as human beings to want to grow and improve, to change habits that we believe are in the way of our success. As our year comes to a close, we take a look back and then ahead to a new beginning. We get to thinking we can fix those things that we didn’t like in our year and add some new events. We then ring in the New Year with lots of joyful celebration and begin again. Suddenly, we notice the calendar is nearing February and we begin to start having trouble remembering what resolutions we did make. Many of us have already given up all those grand ideas.

So, is the moral of this story to stop making resolutions? Perhaps the moral is to try harder? I was thinking a lot about that the other day as I bundled up one more time to trudge about in below zero weather, on icy roads that make driving like car skating. My resolution to just accept what the weather is in winter in the Midwest had seemingly vanished. I hate winter. I don’t like being cold, having to wear so many clothes I feel like I look like the Goodyear blimp or the Pillsbury Doughboy. I don’t think red noses and cheeks that are bright red from the wind that chills us even more than the temperature reads make us look healthy; rather, they just make us look cold! Yet, this is what winter is where I live, always has been and likely always will be. My resolution was to accept it, bless it and try to see the beauty in it. I’ve failed miserably after only one month!

Sometimes, trying to change the way we think and behave cannot be solved by making one or two positive statements, fueled by hearts full of good intention. The statements feel good when we make them; indeed, they pump us up with hope that this time, things we want to be different, will be different! Then, reality roars through like a tidal wave, washing all away.

The answer then is ……..? It seems to me, the answer lies in setting a more structured approach to a resolution. Since I really did want to think and feel differently about winter, I needed to build in some kind of reward system to keep me going. I didn’t do that. I need more than stickers on a chart, too, even though those have great merit for small children. In my case, perhaps a new hat or coat would fuel my intention to change. Perhaps it is encouragement from a friend or loved one. Whatever it is, identify not only the resolution, but the reward system you will use to achieve it.

Be as creative with your rewards as with your resolutions and you will make resolutions into reality!

Posted in Advocacy, Body-Mind, Breast cancer, Change, Health, Life Coaching | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

New Year’s Resolutions

Posted on January 5, 2011 by admin

Happy New Year! By now, you’ve heard this phrase frequently. My question to you is this: have you given much thought to why it is a customary greeting? More importantly, have you thought about what it would take to make this New Year a happy one?

Human beings are massive creatures of habit. That is why it is so hard to “stick” to New Year resolutions. You mean well, of course. You do intend to go on that diet, exercise more, and appreciate your life on a daily, rather than annual basis. Likely, you start off the New Year with behaviors that support whatever resolutions you’ve set for yourself. Then, before you know it, you become aware you are not acting in ways that support what you decided to do to make the new year different (read that happier?) than the last. You are not alone. Research tells us that most people fail to keep New Year resolutions. Still, we continue to make them.

What would it take to make it different this year? Is it willpower? I don’t think so. There’s a famous quote somewhere that says willpower and a dollar will get you a cup of coffee. Well, it used to do that anyway! Today it would take you about $2.50 to get that cup of coffee. The point is that willpower is a function of our conscious mind. Unfortunately, our conscious mind is not the part of ourselves that is running the show.

Your unconscious mind is where your beliefs and values lie. They are formed in childhood and most of us spend our lives validating that first script about what life is about. We don’t intend to do so; it’s just the way it works. How then, do we change our unconscious minds so that our behavior, thus, our lives, change in the way we envision?

There are volumes written about this subject. I am not going to tell you it is either easy or quick. I will tell you, however, it is possible and it begins with the self talk that accompanies a desire to change. What do you say to yourself, for example, the first time you eat three cookies instead of one or when you skip exercising “just for today.” This is easy to figure out. Just allow your mind to go back in your recent history. What you said to yourself will flash up on the conscious screen of your mind almost like lightning. I suspect you remember saying things to yourself that encompass the range of a small excuse to outright flagellation. Things such as “oh, it won’t hurt just this once to eat this” or “I can’t exercise when I have work, kids to run around, etc.” Think of the way we talk to ourselves as the fertilizer that either nourishes the seeds we’ve planted (our resolutions) or feed the garden we’ve already grown.

So, which will it be? Begin by watching and listening to your self talk. When you hear anything negative, pause and create a new statement. Instead of “this is hopeless, I just don’t have the willpower to make these resolutions come true” try restating “I notice what I just did doesn’t support what I want to have happen.” Then, say something loving to yourself like “it’s OK to make a mistake. I can try again.” Think of it as having just pulled up a weed in your inner garden. You must clear the soil of weeds to create the space for the new seeds to grow.

Happy gardening in 2011!

Posted in Life Coaching | Tagged , , | 3 Comments

Amazing Grace

Posted on December 22, 2010 by admin

Have you ever listened to a song that is so familiar to you but suddenly feel like you are hearing the song for the first time? Just the other day, the song “Amazing Grace” came on my car radio. It is a song I would have said I loved, but as I concentrated on the words that day, I was stunned. It opens with “Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me.” The word “wretch” jumped out at me like a child darting across the street. I then tried to continue to listen, but the song no longer held any joy for me. How could that be? What did I hear now that I had not heard all the years of my life? I heard the word “wretch” and my mind screamed “I am not a wretch!”

The power of words and the impact they have on the cells of our body has been scientifically proven to be real. For many years, as I studied how the mind impacts the body, the question was debatable. Now, in 2010, I do presentations for others summarizing and demonstrating what silent influence the words we say to ourselves have on our physical well-being.

Try it for yourself. Get a partner (friend, spouse, child, etc.) and hold your arm out straight, with the intent not to let anyone push it down. Now, hold in your mind the most negative thought or memory you have. See if the partner can move your arm. Conversely, repeat this exercise while holding the most positive thought you can. What happened? If you are like most folks, when you held the negative thought, your arm could be pushed down and when you held the positive thought, your arm remained firm in position.

It is indeed “amazing” that our minds so directly influence our bodies. Reflect on this as you go through this hectic season. When you feel stressed, take a moment to think about what inner language you are using. Are you sending messages to your body such as “I’m so behind, I’ll never get ready for Xmas” or “the crowds are so overwhelming at this time of year.” Or, perhaps, you hear yourself saying “it is so wonderful to be out when so many people are about” and “I love the holidays, the smells, the sights, everything!” Then think how your body is feeling. You will find a direct correlation. When you do, know too that you have the power to help your body be well by what you choose to think. It is that simple and yet, that profound.

I wish you all joyous thoughts and thus, healthy and happy holidays!

Posted in Body-Mind, Health | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

“Tis the Season

Posted on December 3, 2010 by admin

‘Tis the Season

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been thinking a lot about the meaning of the holidays of Thanksgiving and now Christmas. I realize some of you may be looking forward to other holy days in the months of December and January, but either way,  “tis the season”  reminds us it is a time for celebration and the counting of blessings.

Today, I had my routine 6 month check up post breast cancer. As well as I feel, as sure as I am that there is no more cancer lurking in my body, hearing the words “I don’t see or feel anything to worry about” was like hearing a hundred trumpets blaring and angels on high singing. Leaving Mayo clinic today, the sun shone brightly and the clarity of the blue sky took my breath away. I was alive, recovered and healthy.

Why does it take illness or some other frightening situation to help us appreciate all the many blessings we have, each moment of every day? Does it take the fear of losing our lives to make us appreciate and fully live them? If one listens to other survivors of illness or other scary life situations, it would seem that is the truth. On the other hand, I’ve met people who even after having walked the dark tunnel of illness roll right back into their lives as they were prior to their illness. Not a wrong choice, to be sure, but reflection helps us find more joy in life. Choosing not to think about our lives limits our potential.

Some say that cancer is a gift. As a survivor, I say I still prefer jewelry and travel! However, it is an incredible opportunity, just as are all situations that move us out of our comfort zone and into the unknown. It is a chance to take a look at our lives and see if we are living them or just going through the motions.

So, this holiday season, when we are surrounded by the beauty of beautifully decorated trees, good food, the presence of those we love, perhaps we can take a moment to set a strategy for carrying the feelings of this special time of year into each month of the new year. Set up buddies among your friends and relatives. Share something that you are aware of truly valuing and celebrating, prompted by all the trappings of the season, and set a schedule to continue that sharing on the 25th of each month of 2011. Buy a beautiful journal, if you are more of the solitary type, and commit to making one entry a month in the spirit of this time of year.  Choose to believe in magic all year as children are able to believe in Santa Claus. Celebrate all that you are, all that you have and life. By doing so, you will give a gift to the world.

Posted in Advocacy, Breast cancer, Life Coaching | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment